Heaven Read online

  “Beth?” The voice that broke the silence was raspy but there was no doubt it belonged to Xavier.

  I sank to my knees by his side and pressed my face into his neck. “I’m here, baby. It’s over. It’s over.”

  “We made it?”

  “I told you we would.” My tears and laughter mingled freely, triggered by relief. Ivy brought him a glass of water. He thanked her and drank so shakily that half of it spilled down his front. Then he took my hands and pressed them over his heart, lying back down on the tattered pillow, pushed to a point beyond exhaustion, but finally free. Seeing his vivid blue eyes belonging to him once more, I was almost euphoric. I couldn’t hold him any tighter. I wanted to absorb him inside my own body so nobody could ever hurt him again.

  Raphael cleared his throat politely to remind us of his presence. He looked embarrassed to be intruding on our private moment.

  “This is Raphael,” I told him. “He saved our lives.” There was no longer my life and his. They were completely entwined; when one of us hurt, so did the other and if one of us died … I shuddered to think what would become of the one left behind.

  “Thank you,” Xavier mouthed. Talking must have been painful because he brought his hand up to his throat.

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “Wait.” He propped himself up. “Raphael—as in the archangel? Patron saint of travelers?”

  “You know your angelology.” Raphael looked impressed.

  “Ex-altar boy,” Xavier rasped.

  My eyes fell on Xavier’s bruised wrists. They looked chafed and swollen where the iron had cut into his flesh. I hadn’t done any healing in a while. Did I still have it in me? Or had that power been confiscated as punishment? Xavier flinched when I touched the raw flesh but didn’t pull away. I focused hard on sending healing vibrations and soon my hand was tingling. As I continued to lay my hands on him, the swelling reduced and then the rawness faded slowly, leaving only unblemished skin in place of the injuries.

  “You’ve still got it,” said Xavier, and I beamed at him, pleased with my achievement. I chose to read the fact that my ability hadn’t deserted me as a sign that there was still hope.

  Movement from the other side of the room drew my attention. Ivy was helping Gabriel to his feet. He still seemed unsteady. I saw him wince as he retracted his wings quickly before any of us could see their mangled state. His face was still pale and he kept his arm around Ivy’s shoulders for support. Still, I watched him swallow hard and lift his chin to address his brother.

  “What made you decide to come?” he asked Raphael.

  “I guess I’m just a sucker for a lost cause.”

  “So you don’t think we can win this one?” Gabriel stumbled slightly from light-headedness, but Ivy caught him.

  “Doubtful.” Raphael gave a cheerful smile. “But you can have fun trying.”

  Gabriel pursed his lips and without saying another word, headed upstairs, his arm still draped around Ivy’s shoulders. I helped Xavier off the bed and Raphael watched, a smile on his lips, but sadness in his eyes. And we all trudged up the stairs back to the house, a sick and sorry procession.

  21

  We’ll Make It, Y’all

  IN the kitchen Ivy’s brewed coffee and homemade brownies revived us. I still felt like I’d been run over by a bus, so Xavier and Gabriel must have felt ten times worse. I knew I’d recover from the physical exhaustion but the trauma of nearly losing Xavier twice in the same week was going to haunt me forever. We ate glumly, shoulders slumped and faces withdrawn. Gabriel didn’t eat anything; he just sat with his face pressed into his hands. Only Raphael was in high spirits. He looked appraisingly at Ivy’s figure when she went to the fridge for milk.

  “Still the hottest angel I know,” he murmured.

  “It’s beyond me how you’re still on staff,” Ivy replied.

  “Must be because He appreciates my sense of humor. Can’t have everyone being criminally serious.” He glanced around at us. “We’ve got enough of that.”

  Despite our moods, Raphael’s cheer was infectious. Even Ivy couldn’t help smiling.

  “You ought to smile more often,” he told her. “Makes your whole face light up.”

  “Will you stop flirting?” Gabriel protested, without lifting his face. “It’s unbecoming.”

  “Anyway, aren’t you all, like related?” Xavier asked.

  “The brother-sister thing is really more symbolic than genetic.” Raphael gave a toothy smile.

  “But angels don’t normally feel…” Xavier scratched his head, uncomprehending. “They’re not supposed to … have those feelings … for each other?”

  “No,” Ivy answered firmly. “But once in a while we throw out a deviant.” I knew she was joking but I couldn’t help thinking that was how she and Gabriel thought of me.

  “Usually as a result of fraternizing with humans too much,” added Gabriel drily.

  “I happen to find humans good company. Beth and I have that in common.”

  “Is that why you travel with them?” Xavier asked.

  “That plus the fact that I’m easily bored.” He sipped his coffee calmly. “Humans might cause a lot of trouble and drive us crazy.” He looked at me over the rim of his mug, a smile in his eyes. “But they’re so worth it.”

  A pensive silence followed as everyone considered these words. Raphael broke the mood by leaping to his feet and searching his pockets.

  “Does anyone have the time?” he asked. “I can’t find my cell.”

  “It’s just after six,” Ivy replied, without needing to check. “Party to get to?”

  Raphael ignored the jibe. “Tell me there’s a TV here.”

  “Yes.”

  “And…” He waved his hands impatiently. “Where is it located?”

  “The living room.”

  We followed Raphael as he bounded to the front of the house and made a beeline for the couch. He didn’t even bother trying to find the remote; with a snap of his fingers he switched the TV on.

  “Football?” Ivy asked. “Seriously?”

  On the screen, kickoff was about to begin, the first game of the season, the Rebels against the Razorbacks. People had been talking about it all week.

  “You’re not a fan?” Raphael sounded surprised. “You’re missing out.”

  “Good, it hasn’t started yet,” said Xavier, settling himself comfortably on the opposite end of the couch. “Don’t forget to check the score of the Bama game.”

  I stared at Xavier, worried that this sudden return to normality might be a sign he was repressing dangerous emotions. He smiled when he saw my face.

  “Relax,” he told me. “The game will help take my mind off things.” He patted the space beside him. “Come sit with me?”

  I glanced at the screen and the bird’s-eye view of the stadium with REBELS stamped into the ground in huge letters. I recognized some of the faces as the camera panned the sea of red-and-blue fans. I knew Molly would be among them somewhere. She hadn’t stopped going on about tailgating in the Grove since she’d arrived. I watched the Rebelettes in their sequined outfits wave their pom-poms in the air. The words ARE YOU READY? flashed on the Jumbo Tron and the crowd erupted into the “Hotty Toddy” chant.

  * * *

  WE were losing by the end of the first quarter. I left Xavier and Raphael to yell at the screen and went into the kitchen to join Ivy. Gabriel had disappeared to his room and locked the door. I wanted to go check on him but Ivy said he needed space to meditate and recover.

  When the game ended, Raphael reappeared, stretching lazily. Xavier followed, looking more relaxed if a little sheepish about his protracted absence.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t planning to watch the whole thing.”

  “It’s okay.” I patted his arm. “You need your man time.”

  “Did we win?” Ivy asked.

  “Nah … but made two touchdowns, which isn’t bad.”

  “I better head out,” Raphael said, grabbing his
coat and sauntering toward the door. “Thank you for your hospitality, it’s been a pleasure as always.”

  We walked Raphael out to his car. On the curb a metallic green Porsche was parked. It was a color I’d never seen on a car before, but I had to admit it suited the extravagant archangel.

  “Nice wheels,” said Xavier, circling the car appreciatively.

  “Take it for a spin anytime.”

  “This guy”—Xavier pointed with his thumb—“is awesome.”

  “Are you two kidding?” Ivy asked, exasperated.

  “Boys will be boys,” Raphael declared. “Don’t try and change us.”

  “Football and cars,” I said with a grin. “Actually makes a nice change.”

  “This isn’t just a car,” Xavier said. “It’s a thing of beauty.”

  “They don’t get it.” Raphael directed a wink at me. “Maybe we’ll take her out some other time.” He jumped into the driver’s seat and revved the engine. He stuck his head out the window and yelled out, “By the way, Xavier, medicine is still your calling. Don’t forget that.”

  Then he took off down the street so fast the tires screeched and the exhaust released a billow of smoke into the air.

  “Such an attention-seeker,” Ivy muttered, and Raphael sounded the horn at the end of the street as if to say, “I heard that!”

  When he was gone, Xavier and I were both beyond ready for bed. Ivy showed us upstairs to the guest room that we hadn’t even had a chance to see yet. It was quaint with polished furniture and a king-sized bed full of plump cushions. The window was circular and looked onto the tangled Mississippi woods. As I sat lightly on the bed, it occurred to me that Xavier and I hadn’t had the privilege of sharing a bed for a while. I hoped nothing had changed between us.

  While Xavier flopped down on the bed, I excused myself to take a shower, letting the hot water pour over my body and steam up the glass. It felt like a sort of cleansing ritual, like I was letting all my troubles sink down the drain. I used up half a bottle of shower gel, soaping and resoaping my muscles, kneading them gently with my fingers and feeling the tension ebb away. I finally emerged with my hair toweled dry and my whole body tingling and smelling of lavender.

  Xavier was sleeping, the exhaustion of the day visible on his face. He stirred when I came in and reached out to pull me onto the bed.

  “You smell good.” He pressed his mouth into my neck, inhaling deeply.

  I giggled as his stubble tickled my skin. “You don’t.”

  “How rude,” he replied with a laugh. “But probably true.” He slid out of bed. “My turn in the shower. Don’t go anywhere.”

  He peeled off his clothes and dropped them in the laundry hamper before disappearing into the bathroom. I dove eagerly under the covers and scrunched the crisp sheets with my toes. I buried my face in the clean pillow that smelled faintly of baby powder and stretched like a cat. Almost immediately my body was ready to surrender to fatigue. I was struggling to keep my eyes open when Xavier emerged from his shower wearing only a towel wrapped loosely around his hips. Every time I saw his physical form, it floored me completely. Droplets of water still clung to his shoulders and the light coming from behind lent a polished golden hue to his skin. He was so well proportioned he reminded me of a statue on a pedestal in a museum.

  “That was fast,” I said, trying not to stare.

  “You learn not to linger in the bathroom when you have sisters.” His smile faded a little.

  “You miss them, don’t you?”

  “More than I thought I would,” he said. “But mostly I hate the thought of them worrying about me. I know Claire is probably sick over it and I’m sure Nic hates me for taking off like this.”

  “You can make it up to them,” I promised. “When all this is over.”

  “Do you really think it’ll ever be over?” Xavier asked distantly.

  “Yes,” I said as firmly as I could manage. “This is not going to last forever. I promise you that.”

  “Hey,” Xavier said, suddenly looking down at himself. “I just realized I don’t have any clean clothes.”

  I flipped the cover off his side of the bed. Now was not the time for heavy discussion, we’d had enough of that. Now was the time for loving my husband. “You don’t need them,” I said.

  “Oh, really?” Xavier’s mouth twisted in a smile. “Does that door have a lock?”

  “Do you care?” I challenged.

  Xavier raised an eyebrow, but dropped his towel and slid into bed beside me. I felt his presence envelop me, his skin still warm from the shower. His lips were reverential as he kissed me lightly, working his way down from the tip of my chin to my collarbone.

  I traced the scratches on his body from the ordeal he’d endured and instinctively held him tighter, my fingers digging into his warm flesh. The memory of him bound to the bed sprang up in my mind, the way his ocean eyes had filled with cruelty that didn’t belong to him. I felt my mouth go dry at the thought.

  “Are you okay?” he murmured into my chest.

  “Uh-huh.” I bit my lip and tried to shove the unpleasant memories out of my head.

  Xavier sensed my tension and looked up. “You sure you’re not too tired for this?”

  His consideration was stirring. It was the old Xavier resurfacing, the one who put my needs above all else. “Me?” I smiled. “I think I should be asking you that question.”

  “I’m actually okay,” he said, sounding surprised. “I just can’t shake the feeling my body is being controlled by someone else.”

  “Well it was,” I said, letting my fingers lightly caress his chest. “But they’re gone. It’s just you and me now.”

  Xavier lifted me up easily so I was lying on top of him. The firmness of his body beneath me felt like a safe harbor.

  “You want to hear something funny?” he asked as I buried my face in his neck, letting the wooden cross he wore leave an imprint on my cheek. “What happened today was really hard, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Lucifer was inside me. And even after he went, I felt like he left a mark behind, a stain on my soul.”

  “That’s not funny,” I told him.

  “Wait, you didn’t let me finish. Every time you touch me it feels like you’re washing me clean, washing away the darkness. You’re healing my body with your body and renewing my soul with your soul.”

  “I don’t have a soul,” I murmured.

  “Yes, you do,” Xavier insisted, cupping my chin in his hand. “Maybe it isn’t the same as mine, but it’s there. You have so much light; I feel it every time I look at you. That’s the way God made you.”

  “Do you know what I think?” I said. “I think everything we’ve been through so far might feel like a curse, but really it’s a blessing. Our Father set us on this path because He meant for it to lead somewhere … somewhere amazing. And He equipped us with everything we need for the journey … each other.”

  Xavier gazed at me for a moment, then brought his lips to meet mine. His kiss this time was long and deep. It felt like tiny internal flames had appeared from somewhere inside me and were now igniting every particle of my body. This time was different from our first encounter in the woods. The mood was more leisurely, less urgent. There was no fear of discovery and more time to explore. This was how I’d imagined the easy intimacy of marriage. I felt safe and protected and warm from head to toe.

  * * *

  THE muted morning sun seeping through the open shutters was conflicted, duty bound to wake us but hesitant to disturb our rest. I crept out of bed, trying not to disturb Xavier, who was sprawled on his belly. I wanted him to sleep for as long as possible before having to face any challenges the new day might bring.

  I wrapped myself in a pink robe and trotted downstairs to the kitchen where I found Ivy preparing a breakfast for giants. There were muffins bursting with blueberries, eggs and sausage and grits warming on the stove, and granola-topped glasses of yogurt parfait. Ivy was expertly flipping pancakes and stack
ing them on a plate. The smell of ground coffee filled the room. Gabriel was nowhere to be seen.

  “I hope you’re hungry,” Ivy said. I could see she was trying to ease the stress of the last few days and I appreciated her efforts.

  “Smells good,” I replied.

  “Where’s Xavier? Still sleeping?”

  “Yeah. Where’s Gabriel?”

  Ivy gave a resigned shrug. “He was gone when I woke up this morning.”

  “How’s he doing?” I asked awkwardly.

  “I don’t know,” Ivy said. “He won’t talk about it.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to keep my anxiety under wraps. “I guess he just needs time.”

  Back in the bedroom, the covers had been thrown off, telling me Xavier was already up. I peeked in the bathroom and thought nothing of it when I found it empty. But when there was no sign of him on the balcony or out in the hall, my heart was already thudding. I breathed a sigh of relief seeing light coming from under a door across from our bedroom. I pushed it open gently and found him in the study. He was sitting at a broad desk poring over the contents of a book he’d pulled from the shelves. When the door creaked, he glanced up.

  “Morning.”

  “Am I disturbing you?”

  “Of course not, come in.”

  I walked over to him and peeked over his shoulder. The book he was reading was an Atlas of Human Anatomy open to a labeled color plate of the foot’s skeletal system.

  “Do you know how many bones make up a foot?”

  I probably should have known but my mind was still full of morning fog.

  “How many?”

  “Twenty-six. Amazing when you stop to think about it.”

  “Yes, it is. Um … are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” Xavier smiled. “It’s just what Raphael said earlier got me thinking, that’s all.”